COMIC RELIEF:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.
The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.
“I am. How did you know?”
“Everything you told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”
“The man below says, “You must be in management.”
“I am. But how did you know?”
“You don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
A scientist and a philosopher were being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist made some quick calculations, he said “it’s no good trying to outrun it, its catching up”.
The philosopher kept a little ahead and replied “I am not trying to outrun the lion, I am trying to outrun you !”
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony.
‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.
The other looks at the friend, looks at his butt which is swelling up, uncomfortably and replies… “He says you’re gonna die.”
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.”
“Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey. “Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At least not until after the police have been here.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father…
[Five minutes later]
“Da-ad…”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
[Five minutes later]
“Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
[Five minutes later]
“Daaaa-aaaAAAAD…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. “So, how did you do son?” he asked.
“You’ll never believe it!” Billy said. “I was responsible for the winning run!”
“Really? How’d you do that?”
“I dropped the ball.”
For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.
Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson’s arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.
Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, “I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself.”
And the boss said, “And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?”
A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked,
“Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor’s office and said, “Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?”
“I’m sure I can.” the psychiatrist replied.
“Just go over and lie face down on that couch.”
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?”
“Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”
“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: “Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing.”
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: “Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return to class.”
90-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, “But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said, “Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night.”
Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”
One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
“Driver? Can I drive for a while?” “Uh…sure,” says the driver. How can you say no to the Pope? So the Pope takes the driver’s hat and sits behind the wheel while the driver sits in back. The pope starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going too fast, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
“We got somebody really important here,” he says to his partner.
“Who is it? Is it a senator?” –”No. More important.”
“The president?” —”No. More important.”
“An ambassador? Who?”
“I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”
A 62 year old married man was offered one wish by a fairy. The fair said, “you get one wish, what do you wish?”
“I want a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy waved the wand, and the husband became 92 years old.
The highway patrolman saw a lady speeding down the highway and knitting at the same time.
He turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER.”
” NO,” yelled the lady. “IT’S A SCARF.”
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, “I’m a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful young wife.”
The young jogger says, “Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?”
The old man says, “I can’t remember where I live.”
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman?” He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“I don’t know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A man was walking along the beach, found a bottle, and opened it. A genie appeared said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.” The man said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying and ships. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”
The genie said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. No, that is just too much to ask.”
The man then told the genie, “The other thing that I have always wanted is to be able to understand women. Basically, what makes them tick?”
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, “How much is Barbie?”
“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“Yeah, well, it’s like this … Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture …”
George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” George said no and explained the situation. They then said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
A computer programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you forever.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess that I’ll stay with you forever. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The programmer said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed and laughed.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss looking at her. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “My last day is Friday.”
There was a Famous Doctor, an Old Man and a Boy Scout on an airplane with engine failure.
Unfortunately, there were only two parachutes.
The quick thinking Doctor stated “I am the smartest man here, so he jumped out!
The Old Man said “My time has been good and the end is near so go on kid.”
The Boy scout replied “No that is okay, The Doctor who was the smartest man here was in such a hurry, he just jumped out with my backpack.”
A senior citizen picked up his brand new sports car and drove out of the car dealership. As he is going down the road, he decides to floor it up to 80, enjoying the wind passing through the little hair he had. He flew down the highway, he jams the pedal down even more as he looks in his rear view mirror, he sees a state trooper right behind him, lights a flashing and siren a blaring. So he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 130 … suddenly he thought, “What am I doing I’m too old for this!” and pulls over to await the trooper’s arrival.
The trooper pulling in behind him, walked up to the car, looked at his watch and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me one good reason for your speeding that I’ve never heard of before, I’ll let you go on your way.”
Well, the senior citizen paused. Then explained that “Years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back to me!”
“Very well! Have a good day, sir,” replied the trooper.
One evening a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he yelled at his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man “Why are you eating the grass?”
“Well, we don’t have any money for food” the poor man replied. “So we have to eat grass.”
“Well then, come with me to my house and I’ll feed you” the rich man said.
The second man, in a grateful but pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SEVEN children with me!”
“Very well then, bring them all” the rich man answered. They all piled into the limousine, which was no easy task.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich man and said, “Sir, you are truly too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The rich man replied, “No problem, glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of college,
“And what starting salary were you looking for?” The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red BMW?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?” And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, I’ll give each of you just one wish.
Me first! Me first! says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.
Poof! She’s gone.
Me next! Me next! says the sales representative. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.
Poof! He’s gone.
OK, you’re up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.
Was he generous? Give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”
The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels motorcyclists. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”.
“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?
The man replied.”Oh, about 10 minutes ago.
This is a transcript of a radio communication between an American battleship and the following, off the coast.
OTHER: Please divert your course 15 degrees South to avoid collision.
SHIP: You divert your course 15 degrees North to avoid a collision.
OTHER: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South
SHIP: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert.
OTHER: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
SHIP: THIS IS AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE 2ND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY 3 DESTROYERS, 3 CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
OTHER: This is a lighthouse . . . Your call.
One day, the Pope is visiting and driving around in his limo when he gets an idea. “Driver? Can I drive for a while?” “Uh…sure,” says the driver. (How could he say no to the Pope?) So the Pope takes the driver’s hat and sits behind the wheel while the driver sits in back. The pope starts driving like a maniac all around town — dodging in and out of traffic, going too fast, cutting people off. Soon, a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
“We got somebody really important here,” he says to his partner. “Who is it? A politician?” “No. More important.” “The president?” “No. More important.”
“Who is more important than that?”
“I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.”
Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house together. One evening, the 96 year old sister went upstairs to take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, “Was I getting in the tub or out?”
“You old fool,” said the 94 year old. “I’ll come up and see.” When she got half way up the stairs she paused. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea and thought, “I hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She shook her head and called out, “I’ll be up to help you both as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are you doing with these matches and gasoline in your car?” asks the police officer.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming sticks in my act.”
“Oh yeah? Let’s see you do it,” says the officer.
So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the sticks on fire masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”